Monday, August 4, 2008

Empty Nesting Sucks Big Time

This is the most difficult thing, letting your kid go. It hurts so bad. I don't know how to act anymore, what to say, what to do, what not to do. It seems I'm a hateful bitch, an intruder, too needy (<--all my interpretation), I interfere and I'm rude. The impression I get is, 'we love you but we don't want you hangin' around too much, we don't want you to expect much of us and we will let you know when we're ready for you.' Don't get me wrong, she is a good girl and she is thoughtful and caring. I know she is pre-occupied with being newly married and trying to adjust to a new way of life. I guess I am expecting too much...


I find myself clambering for every opportunity to make myself think that they need me. I run when she's sick and feeling bad, I run when her car breaks down and offer mine just so I can feel loved and needed. I don't feel like me anymore, I've become a wretched old sack of a soul that has to grovel for self-worth. Everything I was has been replaced. I've become a stranger.

We've tried talking things out but this last time I was left feeling uneasy. Although, we all parted on seemingly rosy feelings, I am still left knowing that I am hateful and rude because I don't get what I want. What I want is to feel that I'm still momma, that I'm still needed, and that I'm appreciated. Words are not enough for me, I want actions. Am I selfish in that area, maybe, yes. Maybe this is so because I express my love by actions more than by words and I think that's what I should receive in return. I need to learn a different way. I need to learn the way of words, yes words will be the new way for me. I will express my love with words, minus the deeds. I will quit expecting, I will be satisfied with what I do get.

I will get past this. They say time heals all wounds. Hopefully it will because, man, this really sucks.


  1. I feel for you.

    YoungSon and I were discussing the upcoming "peak oil" crash of the nation. And I said something about he and BabyGirl moving back home. He replied "uh, mom... I already have my bugout plan and people around me that are part of my community. I probably won't be coming back home. I want to help take care of the people here that I care about." It wasn't that he doesn't care about us, it was that he was forging new relationships and a new place for himself as a young man.

    And then the other night I was grumbling to Husband that YoungSon had been on a wildfire for a couple of weeks and it would be NICE if we heard from him and knew what fire he was on, etc etc... Husband reminded me that he deployed for six months when he was YoungSon's age, and he certainly didn't call his parents.

    So it's a weird time. We want them to expand their boundaries, yet at the same time ... sigh.

    Hang in there. It doesn't really get better, but you get better at dealing with it. ;)

  2. Meadowlark,
    Things, so far, are better with me and Chicken, I've adjusted my attitude! :oP

    That wasn't very nice of your son to choose to take care of other people over his own family. Hopefully, when he gets a little age on him he will think differently.

    My husband always tells me, when I'm feeling all hurt and dejected that they are young and selfish and they will grow up one day.

  3. Actually, we were proud of him! He reminded me that if TSHTF, I wouldn't return to where my parents live, and he's right. I would expect to "collect my chicks", but here I am doing the same thing he's doing ~ protecting those we love. I mostly assume it's the girlfriend thing, but we truly are proud that he's stepping up to the role of being a provider/protector and sometimes that means leaving home. (He doesn't live at home, btw. Hasn't for several years)

  4. It took me a minute or two to figure out TSHTF! LOL!

    Anyway, I'm proud of my baby, too, I just deperately want to be a part of her world. I guess, really, I'm the one that's a bit selfish. I don't want to be forgotten.

    I raised her differently than I was raised, I never, ever made her feel like I was ready for her to leave home. I wanted her to marry Robert but I didn't anticipate that it would be so different.

    I hope my comment didn't offend you, I'm just ultra-sensitive, I guess. I know they have to make thier own way in this world the best way they can. It sounds like he can be very open and honest with you.

  5. Gosh, I'm not offended at all. I realized that I wasn't really able to express the bittersweetness (not a work, I'm sure) of the moment.

    I was happy... he's a good kid and makes good choices in life. But it really was the first time we realized "OK, our baby is out on his own and he probably won't be moving back".

    It's funny, but as we're making our way as nearly-empty-nesters (BabyGirl lives back at home but we see her once a week due to conflicting work schedules) we are starting to enjoy time to get to know each other. We didn't know each other very long before we got married, and weren't married very long before the pitter-patter of BabyGirl's feet. :)

  6. I finally had to get the realization too, that Lindsey is making her own life now, without me! :o)

    I was 17 and Jeff was 18 when we married, Lindsey came 5 years later. I think once kids come along, alot of yourself is poured into them and it makes it very difficult when they do leave the nest. And it does take something away from the marriage relationship. It's almost like trying to get to know each other again.


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